Dear Dad

Dear Dad, 

It’s been 5 years since we lost you. That’s 1,826 days.

1,826 days of not seeing your face, hugging you or telling you about my day.

With all those days between us, there’s so much to update you on. You’ll never guess what I’m up to these days. I don’t know if you’d ever imagined. So, here goes…

5 years ago

Dear Dad,

We spent the summer together. Not in the way either of us would have liked. I gave up my job as Cabin Crew pretty soon after your diagnosis. Although the job wasn’t for me, the timing worked out well. I moved back home and spent what little time you had left with you. 

You grew more and more fragile each day and I watched as my strong father grew weaker.

It was a fight getting through every day with no realisation that we were counting down the days with you. Without knowing it, we said our last goodbye. I wrapped my arms around you as you reassured me you’d be still there when I got back from my trip. If I had only known that would be the last time, I would have held on tighter.

From the moment you died, I changed. There was numbness and sadness that was all-encompassing, but somehow I got through day by day.

4 years ago

Dear Dad, 

My winter was spent exploring a new ski resort. I feel at home in the mountains and needed a distraction. I learned the ways of the 3 Valleys, ready to take the family around with me, as you would have done. 

There’s a need within me to fill your shoes in certain ways. Whether trying to fill the gap in the family and my heart or as a way to feel closer to you, I’m not sure. But leading the family skiing around the mountains feels natural to me. I believe that’s something I got from you. 

3 years ago

Dear Dad, 

Well, you did always see me as a professional businesswoman one day (hence naming me Ellen). So, time to try the hustle and bustle of city life. A year into an events marketing role had me learning a multitude of skills on the job with opportunities to go to New York and Boston.

You would have helped me move into my London flat. Your meetings would have been organised so we could see each other after work for dinner. You would have been there through my first heartbreak.

2 years ago

Dear Dad, 

Wow, did you miss out on a colossal year! The globe came to a standstill while every country figured out Covid. I wonder how you would have dealt with the global fear of the unknown. You were always so rational and I know you would have grounded us through our worries. 

We had a summer of living at home in a household dynamic that would have made you laugh. Me, Mum, Harry, Auntie Debs and Don – bet you didn’t see Mum’s first husband moving back in?! But, you know what, it worked. And you would have been pleased about it. 

It gave Harry and me the perfect opportunity to get to know him and now we have a partial dad figure in our lives again. Of course, no one could ever fill your shoes, but I now have someone to call when my car breaks down.

1 year ago

Dear Dad, 

You always loved surfing in Cornwall so guess what? Last year, I spent the summer working for a surf school there. My previous job just wasn’t doing it for me anymore. I was in need of a change of scenery and lifestyle. So, I took the plunge and got myself to the South West. 

Mum and I had the best week learning to surf the year before. I know you would have loved it too! There’s just something about getting to your feet while riding a wave. I only wish we could have surfed together.

Every time I’m in the water, I think of you. I wish you could see the incredible landscapes that I find myself surrounded by. 

This year

Last summer was more of a challenge than I was expecting, but it helped me find enjoyment in spending my days outside and coaching others to learn a skill they never believed they could do. It pushed me to book a ski instructor course and now I’m living out in Canada for the foreseeable! 

I was only supposed to stay for 8 weeks. But, after applying for my visa on a whim, I’ve now got the next 2 years out here. I’m currently in Tofino on Vancouver Island, spending the summer working at a surf school. In November, I head to Whistler for a season of instructing and I can’t wait! Surfing in the summer, and skiing in the winter feels like a pretty sweet deal to me.

Dear Dad, 

Losing you shattered me. But, with each day that has passed, the pain is absorbed. It now lives within every fibre of me. The fact you’ve been gone 5 years already baffles me. There are still moments when my wounded heart feels split open again with the reminder that you are not here. 

There isn’t a day that goes by that I wish I could tell you what I’ve been up to or wish you could see me now. I’m stronger for it but it’s certainly impacted my perspective on life. I embrace those I love more tightly for fear it could be the last time. I push myself to try new experiences and go after what’s really important to me. 

Our time run out. It hurts to know that. But I won’t let that stop me from grabbing every opportunity I can.

Love, 

Ellie x

Read The Empty Nest for more words on the great man we lost.